It's funny. I hate hypocrites, I hate contradictory, I hate people who don't listen. I hate a lot of things. Yet I do these things myself. I wish I could be what I preached. I guess I'm a huge hypocrite then...

I never like to think I'm wrong. Truthfully I'm very stubborn. I wish I wasn't.... haha I'm very insecure and vunlerable. When I was little I never used to be. I can remember the exact day where I broke down and cried for the first time in like, 8 years. And ever since then I've been so easily triggered to cry it's insane. Sometimes I find myself a nuisance if I cry. But sometimes it feels so good and it makes me feel like I'm cleaning my soul or something like that.

I never really realized how sentimental I could be. I never realized how much of a Debbie Downer I could be either. I never realized how excruciatingly depressing I could be. I guess I'm just a negative weird abnormal person.

Why do I let things get to me? I'm so sensitive and I don't know how to control it. I wish I wasn't or that I could. It's just those things that have the way of getting through my mental boundaries and know the right spots to tweak and make me sad upset or angry. Why can't I control it? Maybe I'm just not working hard enough at it.

I want to be strong again like when I was little. I don't want to cry. And when I do, it's a big deal. I'm weak. I'm depressing. I'm just never good enough.

She walked out the door. The cold wind struck her face as soon as she opened her front door a crack. "Why?" She thought. She shook her head pulling her jacket closer around her, and slipped through the crack in the doorway onto her front porch peering into the darkness. The snow covered the ground and everything seemed bleak and meaningless for a second. "This isn't right", she thought. Breathing in the crisp cold air she took a few steps down her driveway. One foot in front of the other... "It's way too late for this", she tried to convince herself. She almost turned back around... But no. She couldn't.

Halfway up her driveway she peered through the snow that was falling and her eyes fell upon what she was dreading. "He's making this all the more complicated...", she thought. She sighed, picked up the large bouquet of red roses lightly covered in snow, and the box that held her supposed gift. The roses were beautiful. Each petal a brilliant color of red. The leaves were a magnificent, deep forest green, and there were little white flowers dancing around the numerous splashes of red. He looked down one more time before she turned around to see his footprints that led back to the car he was driving only 10 minutes ago.

20 Minutes Earlier.

"Why are you making this so difficult? I've told you time and time agai-"
"No, I'm not making this difficult. I understand perfectly. You just can't-"
"No! don't tell me you understand. You don't. I have a boyfriend. I know you don't like it, but I'm sorry... there's no way you can change my mind."
"... There you go again. You want to be happy you say? You won't be, with him. He makes you cry for pete's sake!"
They both paused unable to find words. She just couldn't take his persistence. She hadn't known the guy for a little over a month and already he was trying to make her his. She found it odd on every level considering he knew of her boyfriend. She's repeatedly said it, warned him, got angry with him, even her friends had told him to stop. He just didn't understand. He had his opinions and feelings and somehow, someway, through his words, she had altered his life without trying.
"... But he makes me happy. Usually. Yes we fight, yes we argue... can't everyone? Our personalities clash, but its when we're together, laughing and smiling with each other that I- We... know that it's right. Yes we've had our rough spots. Yes I'd expect more. Yes I'm probably too clingy for him... Yes maybe things aren't balanced. But it takes time, and effort." She tried to explain all of this to him with to no avail.
"You are just asking for unhappiness. I'll treat you right, i won't make you cry I-"
"I don't want to hear it... I don't. Yes. Yes I'll admit it, you're a sweet guy. A nice person, and an all around gentleman. You are. But you just aren't my gentleman." She could see the frown that would distort his face at that moment and feel the unhappiness that set inside of his body, his soul, and his heart. It hurt her, but she know that's what she needed to say.
"...I just don't understand. You told me all of those things that made him seem like a jerk. He's made you cry, made you wait, been irrational, i just-"
"Okay well it's like-"
"No. Stop. let me finish... I just want you to see that you deserve more than that. Someone who sees all of you. I'm not saying that's me, but I believe I see more of you than he does... You're just giving all the time and he doesn't give you anything in return!... Why do yous settle for less? Don't you're friends ask you? Doesn't anyone dare stand up to you and tell you this? You're worth so much more!... So much more... Why can't you open you're eyes? You're blinded..."
Everything he was saying hit her, just as it had when everyone else had told her the same thing. She tuned it out all the time. She didn't believe such tales. She's wanted to be with him for so long. He was the only thing she saw, and she's never felt so loving toward anyone before. It was natural attraction to be around him. If you aske dher why, she'd just put on a shy smile and shrug her shoulders and say, "I honestly couldn't tell you." However it wasn't the first time she was told she deserved more. And it wasn't the first time that someone had said that she was the one who gave all the time. She herself even thought that sometimes. She looked out the window. Winter was always an odd season playing with her heart and mind. She functioned better in the summer. The snow fell heavily while she looked out the window. She found it beautiful. She thought snow was like the obstacles in life, and the ground was her heart... the problems just kept building up, eventually making cars and other daily life going-ons nearly impossible. The snow plow was the temporary solution. It'd plow the troubles away, giving relief and solution. The cars would be able to drive around, but carefully. It was a circle until the snow either melted, or it came again to repeat itself... when can I ever be fully at peace? ... She focused her attention back to who she was talking with.
"It's getting late. I'm sorry I couldn't see you tonight... But i have somewhere to be in the morning... I don't know how to make you see, but I realize that even if I could, you wouldn't want to... Sleep well, goodnight."
"...Go outside before you do. You'll be glad you did, goodnight." He hung up the phone before she could get another word in.

Peering outside, she put on her coat, scarf and shoes and made her way to the door.

Girl with her own sense of style
Girl who is unique
Girl whos in denial
Girl who seems to be weak

they dont see how strong you are
do they?
or the fact of what youve been through
no, they dont see any of it

they see only what they want,
but not what your true potential is

those girls who seem to hate you
its only cause theyre jealous
they dont know
how else to react
or what to say
they feel threatened

dont let it get you down baby girl
you aint got nothing to be ashamed of
you dont sell yourself to anyone
you know a simple right from wrong

even though what come out of those girls mouth
may say otherwise
why listen when you know
the truth? and that theyre lying?

keep pushing forward girl.
one more year to go til your gone
and you dont have to listen
to all the lies

youll face bigger problems,
but you can forget all the bad times
you can forget the wrongs youve done
you can forget those you hated and made your life miserable

girl with her own sense of style
girl who is unique
girl whos in denial
girl who seems so weak...

sweetheart listen when we say your strong
you have a good heart
and a good head
on your shoulders

your loved
your amazing
your beautiful
your inteligent

sweet, good hearted girl
dont put yourself down
think of those who love you
turn your life around.